Cha_Nuu's Journal

5:11pm: im feeling homesick for gz today. i guess homesick is the wrong word but thats how it feels. maybe nostalgic is the right word. that weird painful feeling when you just want to be somewhere but can't. i know in my heart that its not really gz itself, it's a specific time there. it's that point in my life. being close to my friends. i don't know. mostly im happy here but some days i just long for this place in the past. is that silly?

12:57pm: i was being totally over sensitive last week. it was a rough couple of days but everything has been fine since. in fact we had a really nice weekend. yay.

tonight julie and i are going to a body combat class together. it will be the first time we have ever hung out alone and im a little nervous. i mean, we get on fine but im not the chattiest person and without anyone else to do the talking it might be a bit awkward. though, how much talking do you have to do at body combat?

8:18pm: its almost exactly a year since last time but my boyfriend is trying to give up smoking again. and once again its a fucking nightmare. i know that its hard and im trying to be supportive but i just cant cope with how moody he is. i decided to go out for a walk earlier but on leaving the wind caught the door and it slammed shut. now he isnt talking to me.

im not in the best state of mind at the moment either. college has finished for the year and my income is reduced to my wages for the 9hrs work i do a week. im broke and bored and lonely. things have been so good lately and they have just gone downhill so quickly. maybe i am just being too sensitive. i know i am prone to it. i just dont know how to cope with this. i dont know how to make myself feel better when i cant go anywhere or do anything and im just stuck in the house with someone who refuses to talk to me.

on the positive side i did finish my hnc. it was hard work but in the end i really enjoyed my college course and i think i did well. im in two minds what to do now. i can go back and do my hnd or i can try and get a job. i would really like to try and go back to do another year of college. like i said, i really enjoyed it and the focus of the work next year would be on interactive media and web design which would probably lead to a better job. i just dont know that i can afford it. everything just seems so expensive at the moment.

mark and i got engaged in april and we are meant to be getting married next year. the idea was that we would just go away somewhere together and get married there. kind of combining the wedding and the honeymoon. but i just dont see how we are going to afford it. especially if i go back to college for another year. i dont know. maybe i should just try and get a job.

anyway, its been long time since i updated this and it feels good to just say what im feeling as i dont really have any other outlet at the moment. im probably just feeling sorry for myself.

9:27am: i went to the hairdressers yesterday and she ruined my hair! its this totally icky colour of blonde. i have silvies graduation tomorrow and im a mess. i want to cry.

10:27pm: since my last fairly positive post my boyfriend has given up getting stoned. i thought i would be happy about it but its been an absolute nightmare. i know its hard to quit anything and ive tried really hard to be supportive. ive ignored his moods, forgiven his short temper and generally done the best i can. but its been 3 weeks now and he hasnt been anything other than bad tempered and mean. and i dont know how much more i can take. ive given up smoking so i know how stressfull the lack of nicotine is. but this is ridiculous. i dont know if im wrong to blame the nicotine withdrawl. maybe he's just a dick when he isnt stoned. i swear, he hasnt said a nice thing to me in weeks. tonight he was clearly in a bit of a mood so i just ignored it, made some dinner for us, and pottered about on my own. but i had to ask him a question about the computer and he went mental. telling me i was stupid and that i should just fucking leave him alone. im a pretty sensitive person and anyone that knows me will tell you im quick to cry. ive been trying so hard to be strong about this but i feel like im having a break down. im scared of how hes going to be when he comes home from work. im on edge all the time. he told me once in one of his calmer days that it wasnt me that made him mad it was just him. whatever, its me that bears the brunt of it. and i dont know if i can do this any more. i love him but he's starting to treat me like shit.

6:49pm: my lecturer is an idiot. an honest to god moron of a woman. i dont know if ive mentioned that on here before or not. but she is. she is the kind of teacher who doesnt have a lesson plan or currculum. she might know a lot about printing but she doesnt know how to explain it. she told us all she had 3 degrees but left her cv (which says she has 1) on a computer in the class. she has a habit of telling people to do something and then screaming at them for doing it. she freaks out if she catches anyone using printing techniques taught to us by the other print lecturer. she insists on everyone using coreldraw instead of illustrator despite the fact that only 10 pcs in the college have it. i say pcs but i mean macs. corel hasnt made a programmes for macs in 3 years so she is actually making us use outmoded software. half of my class is comprised of 17 year old boys. and like most boys that age they are lazy and if given too much leeway they fall behind really quickly. as a consequence the other half of the class (in which i am included) end up having to wait for them to finish stuff while getting bored and agitated. the new block of classes was meant to start last week but she had us clean the classroom while the 2 boys who still hadnt finished tried to catch up on work. today she gave us nothing to do. everyone was just sitting around while she chatted to a technician. we should have started this class last week and now 2 classes in noone has done any work and noone knows what they are meant to do. ive been getting more and more angry about this waste of my time and today i basically had a panic attack. it probably wasnt a panic attack, more of a rage/stress attack. i genuinely got so angry and upset i couldnt breathe. i had shooting pains in my chest and my head was spinning. i havent freaked out like that in such a long time. i ended up just walking out of class without telling anyone. i am so determined not to quit again but i dont know how to cope with this woman. she teaches more than half my classes. ive gone to the head of the department, as class rep, to raise concerns about the corel thing but other than that i dont know what to do. the department head is spineless and/or powerless (plus he doesnt care cos he retires in january) and i worry that if i complain too much she will try and make life more difficult for us. the majority of students are really frustrated but no one knows how to make it better. another of our lecturers spoke to a couple of us about what a nightmare she was and how the staff have a really hard time with her too. its driving me nuts.

10:25am: im in cork just now. it been a pretty nice holiday. up till now anyway. mark is in a rage because he didnt wake up in time for breakfast. and apparently thats my fault because i only set the alarm twice. what a fanny. my amusement at this is only making things worse but i cant help it. its so stupid.

anyway, on to kerry and hopefully a better mood.

6:36pm: argh! his fucking moods just stink me right up!! what is the point?!!?

7:34pm: it's so weird to be back in college. after a couple of years on the other side of the desk it's hard to go back to being a student. especially when your lecturer is a moron. anyway, i'm into my second week and it's going ok. i'm sure i will get used to it. there are only two other girls in the class so we are pretty much stuck hanging out together. it's a shame i only like one of them. still, it's good to be learning something and being a bit creative again. and my computing lecturer is hot.

9:58am: i just woke up and found that my left eye was swollen shut. i've no idea what has happened but i look like i've been beaten up. i think i need an eye patch.

3:53pm: meme for you and you and you
1. Name:
2. Age/Birthday:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song:
6. Favorite Band/Rapper/Artist:
7. Favorite Book/Comic Book:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Favorite TV Show:
10. Favorite Video Game/Board Game:
11. Do we know each other outside of Livejournal?
12. Would you give me a kidney?
13. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
14. If you could change anything about your current life, would you?
15. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

9:13pm: i got a letter from the college today informing me that not only will my fees be paid but that they will GIVE me £400 per month to attend! hahaha.

i just saw 10 kate bush videos.

tomorrow is my last day at the job from hell. its pay day. and im going to see seu george play in edinburgh.

im so giddy that i feel like im in a scene in some movie with 'walking on sunshine' as the score. thats how happy i am.

7:25pm: 2 full weeks of my new job are almost up and i can say without reservation, with complete certainty, it is the 2nd worst job i've ever had. the worst being the time i got a job handing out flyers on argyle street in glasgow. i lasted 2 hours at that one. anyway, i cant bring myself to actually describe this nightmare office but it upset me enough within 3 days for me to start making a plan. i know. a plan. anyway, i put this plan into action on thursday of last week. i know. a plan put into action. and today i got my letter of acceptance into the college course i wanted. its the first hurdle. i have to sort out funding and get myself a part time job but its a start. this is me committing myself to staying in glasgow for a year. i know. commitment. that usually makes me nauseous. so too does glasgow. but whatever. right now im so happy to be here. im in a relationship with a man i love. im having fun. this feels like the right thing to do. and if i fuck this up i fully expect every single one of you to poke me in the eye and say ha ha. or something like that.

10:47am: i finally got a job.

11:53pm: the deftones just broke my ears.

2:03pm: the great japanese film director shohei imamura died. RIP

i got free tickets to see a preview screening of united 93 today. its not something i would probably have shelled out cash for but im interested in seeing it.

ive been back for over 2 weeks now and i havent felt remotely compelled to update. its not that things have been bad. its just that ive nothing really to talk about. still looking for a job. still broke. watching too much crap tv.

my hk trip was fantastic. i was so hungover that the rest of my day in gz went by without incident. penny and i were both too sick to feel like my leaving was anything other than a chore. until we got to the station where we both started crying hysterically. we didnt have much time for goodbyes which was probably a good thing. arrived in hk 2 hours late to meet alec. i dropped my stuff off at his and we went to meet cody for dinner. still feeling like i was going to die, i struggled through the pakistani curry we went for and managed half a bottle of beer before i thought i was going to throw up again. we agreed that it was going to be a quiet and short night. and then krist turned up. i dont really know how it happened but we spent a several hours drinking in lan kwai fung before blagging our way into a members only drum and bass club in soho. drum and bass is clearly ridiculous music and once you accept that you are going to look like a fanny its pretty fun to dance to. we danced till 4am. ive been to hk several times but this was the first time i ever saw anyone famous. both daniel wu and terrence yin were in the club. i managed to maintain my cool and just gawped at them a little. on the ride home the boys and the taxi driver all taught me how to swear in cantonese. a great night. the next day we went for dim sum and then on to the hk museum of history. cody gave me a telescope to bring home. im really not sure why. i had the best weekend there and i really didnt want to leave. but then, its hk. i never want to leave it.

anyway, really not much has happened since. im still readjusting to being back. its a little disorienting. i want some jiaozi.

4:05am: i just got back from my leaving party. im in a state. it was a great great night and pretty much everyone i know in gz was there. my friend steve even came from kunming to say goodbye. i got drunk, danced, took lots of photos and fended off advances from an overenthusiastic englishman. but there came a point in the night when penny and i looked at each other and just started crying. we've been a complete mess ever since.

also, i did just about the stupidest thing ive ever done today. i tidied my room. anyone that knows me will be shaking their head in disbelief. but i did. and do you know what i managed to do whilst tidying? i threw out all my money. the last of my wages were in an envelope and i must have somehow chucked it in the bin when i was clearing everything. i didnt even chuck it in the bin in the house. i was thorough. i put it in the outside bin. its all gone. every penny. hahaha. how shite am i? i had a complete panic attack but now im drunk enough to think its funny. how am i getting to hk tomorrow? i dont know. i'll let you know if i manage it. sha gua.

10:18pm: tomorrow is my last day in gz. on friday i leave for hk where i get to spend 24 hours hanging out with cody and alec. and on saturday night i fly home.

penny and yoshida were sitting discussing my card and present earlier thinking i didnt understand. but the japanese words for card and present sound pretty much the same as english. so, yay! im getting a present. and a card. we are having a goodbye night out at babyface tomorrow night where i will get drunk and probably cry my eyes out. im no good at goodbyes. im getting teary just thinking about it.

im not really sure how i am feeling about going home. im kind of excited but at the same time the idea of starting over again stresses me out. im not going to have a big moan about it just now as im actually in a pretty good mood and i'll more than likely yak on about it some other time anyway.

better get back to the packing!

2:43am: holiday snaps - hk
we went to hong kong for a few days last week. i will never get tired of that city. i wont bother posting my geeky "look, i'm at tony leungs star on the walk of fame!" photos since i've been there before and done that before and all that's different is my outfit.

2:31am: holiday snaps - yangshuo
when mark came to visit we went on a couple of trips. the first was to yangshuo in guangxi province.

9:45pm: i just got back from hk. mark has gone home now. this is the first time i have been alone in over 3 weeks and i am feeling at a bit of a loss.
it's been a crazy few weeks. we went on two trips and i have a million photos. i've had so much fun and i will write a bit more later when i don't feel so weird.

1:11pm: i've been laid out with the flu for over a week now. im finally feeling a bit better but im still all weak and pathetic.

penny and i moved house. the new place is brand new and absolutely gorgeous. maybe the nicest flat ive ever lived in. i even have my own room. and for the first time since i got back i don't have to share a bed with penny.

mark arrives in 2 days!

1:58pm: there is nothing going on right now. i am broke so i haven't been out much. penny and keykey fight all the time and home really isnt fun.
on, a positive note; mark arrives in 2 weeks. AND i bought sympathy for lady vengeance on dvd.

11:46pm: RIP jimmy johnstone

5:39pm: yesterday as penny and i were going to lunch we noticed a couple of the local hairdressers standing round looking at something on the road. we walked over to see what was going on and spotted a puppy lying on the ground. it was clearly ill and was making a shrill crying noise. everyone was just staring at him and pushing him with their feet like they were too scared to touch him. he was covered in rubbish and had clearly managed to crawl across the road from the rubbish dump. he was tiny and very thin but his stomach was hugely swollen. i would guess that whoever owned him realised he was sick and threw him out in the trash. i picked him up and one of the hairdressers got me a box to place him in. penny and i got in a taxi and headed for the only animal hospital in the city. throughout the journey i held the puppy in my hands, trying to calm him down. at the hospital they told us that his bladder had burst and that his belly was filled with liquid, hence the swelling. the vet said that he had a 20% chance of survival and he might not last the night. they called us 3 hours later to let us know he had died.